Adding detail using adjectives

One of our learning goals is to increase the level of our writing by adding more detail. Today we looked the telescopic text webpage and saw how a very simple sentence can grow using the right words. We realised that it made it better to read too. Here is what we came up with;

1. I made biscuits.
2. I calmly made biscuits
3. I calmly made chocolate chip biscuits.
4. Sneezing, I calmly made chocolate chip biscuits.
5. Sneezing ferociously, I calmly made chocolate chip biscuits.
6. Sneezing ferociously, I calmly made fresh, chocolate chip biscuits.
7. Sneezing ferociously like an elephant, I calmly made fresh, chocolate chip biscuits.
8. Sneezing ferociously like a 20 foot elephant, I calmly made fresh, chocolate chip biscuits.
9. Sneezing ferociously like a 20 foot elephant, I calmly made fresh, chocolate chip biscuits that smelled.
10. Sneezing ferociously like a 20 foot elephant, I calmly made fresh, chocolate chip biscuits that smelled like a dream.
11. Sneezing ferociously like a 20 foot elephant, I calmly made fresh, chocolate chip biscuits that smelled like a heavenly dream.
12. Sneezing ferociously like a 20 foot elephant, I calmly made fresh, chocolate chip biscuits that smelled like a heavenly dream, and looked perfect.
13. Sneezing ferociously like a 20 foot elephant, I calmly made fresh, chocolate chip biscuits that smelled like a heavenly dream, and looked as perfect as a marshmallow.
14. Sneezing ferociously like a 20 foot elephant, I calmly made fresh, chocolate chip biscuits that smelled like a heavenly dream, and look like sticky, pale marshmallows.

Ella Leary

1.   I made CHOCOLATE

2. I MADE hot chocolate

3. I POURED hot chocolate

4. I poured MYSELf hot chocolate

5. I poured myself some hot CHOCOLATE

6. I poured myself SOME hot steaming chocolate

7.  I poured myself a hot steaming CHOCOLATE

8. I poured myself a hot steaming chocolate drink.

Marina Robertson

I made a rod.

I made a fibreglass rod.

I made a flexible fibreglass rod.

I made a flexible fibreglass rod that I'm going to catch a whooper kingfish on.

I made a flexible fibreglass rod that I’m going to catch a whooper kingfish on. And hopefully it doesn't snap in half

I made a flexible fibreglass rod that I’m going to catch a whooper kingfish on. And hopefully it doesn't snap in half because i’ll be gutted.

I made a flexible fibreglass rod that I’m going to catch a whooper kingfish on. And hopefully it doesn't snap in half because i’ll be gutted it took so long to make.

And used a mass of money which would be a big waste..

Henry Wiggns-Crowe

I bought a pizza

I bought a nice hot pizza

I bought a nice steaming hot pizza

I bought a delicious cheesy steaming hot pizza

I rapidly bought a delicious nice cheesy steaming hot pizza

I hurried into the pizza store as I rapidly bought a nice cheesy steaming hot pizza

As I raced my car to the pizza shop I pictured a slice of pizza in a box yelling at me EAT ME TYLER I answered yes Mr pizza slice as I got into the pizza shop I could smell the pizza it ran through my nose and I got dizzy and fell on the ground as I dropped a letter for a cheesy steaming hot pizza and a $20 note on the desk so the pizza man took the money and dropped a cheese pizza on me and said here is your pizza I got up picked up the pizza and said yum and walked back into my car and grabbed a slice of pizza i was eating it and then I accidentally put the car in reverse and so the car went backwards and crashed into a pole R.I.P Tyler Dennis Cameron and his steaming hot cheese pizza

Tyler Cameron

I made a smoothie.

I made a berry smoothie.

I made an iced berry smoothie.

I made a very nice iced berry smoothie….

I made a very nice iced berry smoothie this one day. For no reason really. I guess I just got bored, and now I am writing this story. Maybe I could tell a you alittle about my fun. But really I just made what I make every day. In this part of the story, I shall tell it to you straight. On how to eat your breakfast when you are running late.

Maia Bassett

I gladly made pizza.

I walked into the kitchen and made a pizza.

I made a hot cheese pizza.

I made a pepperoni pizza.

I made a steaming hot pizza.

I made a meat lovers pizza for the family.

I went and got a cheese pizza.

I went and got some ingredients from the shop and made a pizza.

I rushed into the pizza place and brought a pizza.

I was hungry so went and brought a steaming hot pizza.

I went to a pizza place and brought lots of pizza.

Logan Ballantine-Wooley

As I stumbled into the kitchen, the excitement was building inside me. Today was no ordinary day, it was a baking day. I turned on the oven with a slight click of the button.With my clean and fresh hands I grabbed the mix and poured it into the bowl. With the warm wooden spoon I stirred the mixture until it was smooth and perfect. Dark brown chocolate mixture poured into the circle tin, and straight into the oven. The oven let out rays of steam as I opened the door. Inside was an astounding cake, with an inside filled with chocolate swirling around. Out of the steamy oven it came and into my hungry mouth it went. With one bite my mouth filled with joy. I walked out of the used kitchen with a perfect, delicious, mouth watering piece of chocolate cake, crumbling in my hands.

Kyra Byers

I quickly ran down the steep steps to fetch myself a bowl of ice cream. The huge flaming sun shone bright. The ice-cream melted briskly as I pulled it from the cold bottom shelf of the small freezer. I spooned it furiously into the shallow bowl straight from the washing machine. The hot air floated from from the bowl to my hot face. I worked up a thick sticky sweat.  

Hannah Estcourt

I made PIZZA!

As the cheese connected with the pizza my taste buds started to water. The pepperoni aroma filled the air. I just could not wait for that pizza to reach my mouth! As I chop some button top mushrooms the smell gets stronger, I chop the mushrooms faster but safely. Once I chopped the mushroom I delicately place them trying not to ruin the shape and texture. As I open the door to the oven I start wondering of the tastes that would fill my mouth. I slowly put my sweet smelling pizza into the oven that was fogged up with the steam. I place it delicately onto the racks and keep the door Ajar till I thought it was hot enough. Time passed as I waited, finally it was time. I grabbed my oven gloves as I bring out the pizza. I grab the slicer and slowly cut through middle and did that 4 more so then it would be an eighth. The cheese on the pizza, It was stringy and gooey,

To be continued…..

Teina Lander

I carefully carved it to make a circle.

I grabbed the silver oval on it’s smooth side .

I gently placed the oval in the raw steel to make the perfect eye.

I grabbed another tin. This time it was a rusty smile. It has been setting on my desk hoping one day it will become useful and finally it has.  

Jackson Parsons

1. I made  friends.

2. I made best friends.

3. I had made best friends.

4.I had made best friends which they were clumsy.

5.I had made best friends which, they were very very clumsy.

6.I had made best friends which, was awesome but they were very very clumsy.

7. I had made the best friends of my life which, was awesome but they were very very clumsy.

8.I had made the best friends of my life, which was awesome but they were very very clumsy but I was glad and happy I had friends.

Mercedes Kairau

I made a school

I made a school slowly but surely. It is called Rongo Nui school.

I had a torturous pain coming up with this beauty of a name.

It took 20 stretched out painful months to finish this monster of a job. It felt  like ages, just like waiting in the que for the Tower of Terror at Disneyland but now it only fells like yesterday.   

Jack Albertini

I walked into the kitchen, curious about what mum and I were making for a summer's days picnic out in the park. I watched her as she sliced the chocolate cake, it was covered in sprinkles and chocolate dripped down the side as she covered a chunk of it in glad wrap. I yawned “can I help.” Mum gazed up at the dark shadow on the wall. “I spose so,” she answered. Clumsily she lifted the trash out of the bin and placed it on the floor,

“Take this outside,” she winked. I moaned,

“Thanks Mum”.

Kiana Pohe-Bright